5 Things Elon Musk Wishes He’d Done Differently While Owning the U.S. Government
Because Even a Bond Villain Gets Buyer’s Remorse
Bought Congress in Bulk, Not Retail Elon went the piecemeal route—scooping up one performative puppet at a time like he was building the world’s dumbest action figure set. In hindsight, a wholesale buyout of the GOP would’ve been cheaper and come with fewer lawsuits. (Seth Abramson’s latest thread lays out the receipts—like a digital Rosetta Stone for modern corruption.)
Branded the Pentagon He could’ve slapped a giant “X” on the Department of Defense and started charging $8 for verified drone strikes. Instead, we got budget cosplay from Pete Hegseth and Elon’s weird flirtation with space militias.
Actually Built the Hyperloop (Through the DOJ) Forget traffic solutions—he should’ve tunneled straight through the Justice Department. Think of the time saved evading subpoenas, regulatory oversight, or that pesky thing called “law.”
Made Tesla the Official Federal Vehicle What better way to serve the public than deploying a fleet of sentient go-karts with daddy issues? Bonus: autopilot turns off every time you mention unionizing.
Trademarked “Technoking of America” He had the title. He had the simps. But no NFTs, no cult coins, no State of the Union live from Mars. Just flame tweets, collapsing infrastructure, and the gnawing sense that even with total federal influence… Taylor Swift still runs the country.
Bookmark Seth Abramson’s post if you want the documentation.
Because while Elon may have the toys, Seth has the receipts.